


Devil May Parent-Teacher Conference

by BurnItAllDownDahling



Series: A Family Repair [7]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Bad Parenting, Demon Parenting, Doppelganger, Kidfic, M/M, Spardacest (Devil May Cry)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:11:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnItAllDownDahling/pseuds/BurnItAllDownDahling
Summary: Vergil's having trouble adjusting to "quiet" family life, so Dante finally tells him what he did to Nero's second-grade teacher.
Relationships: Dante & Nero & Vergil (Devil May Cry), Dante & Nero (Devil May Cry), Dante/Vergil (Devil May Cry), Nero & Vergil (Devil May Cry), Nero (Devil May Cry)/Original Male Character(s)
Series: A Family Repair [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1548871
Comments: 17
Kudos: 184





	Devil May Parent-Teacher Conference

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of for a prompt? @lirial89 requested a side-story about Dante dealing with Nero's problematic teacher.

It is an irritatingly quiet day in Devil May Cry. Vergil has spent it looking for a storefront to lease, while dodging his son's trysts. In the year since his return from hell, he's earned enough money through occasional devil hunting jobs with Dante to start up a business of his own: arcane-goods sales, where the profit margins are bigger and the tedious battles against vermin are fewer. Devil May Cry has two "family" computers: the desktop on Dante's desk, and the desktop in the library. Vergil is at Dante's desk when Nero and Red stumble past on the upstairs landing. They're kissing each other -- loudly -- and as Vergil watches, Nero throws Red to the floor, yanks open his pants, and bends to --

Vergil gets up, and heads to the library.

He's narrowed his property search down to three good potential sites when he hears a thump against the nearby wall -- from the pool room, where Dante has installed workout equipment that mostly never gets used. The thump comes again, and this time Vergil hears Nero's low, desperate-sounding groan: "Oh, _fuck_, I can't get enough of your cock, never fucking stop -- " And then the thumps against the wall become rough and rhythmic.

Vergil takes a deep breath, counting to ten. Then he unplugs the desktop tower and monitor, and moves them to the other side of the library.

He composes emails to his real estate agent and lawyer, setting up appointments to view the properties, and then he hears Red's voice grow loud enough to be heard even from his side of the library: "My love, I am yours, _yours_ \-- " His voice rises to a groan, breaking; the thumping speeds up and then stops... and then the power goes out throughout DMC. Well, well. Apparently Red's got some kind of arcane electrical affinity. The emails that Vergil just spent twenty minutes composing -- he prefers to send things all at once, neater that way -- have been lost.

Vergil contemplates the violent murder of both his son and his son's lover for about thirty seconds.

Then he counts to eleven, gets up, and heads off in search of Dante.

Dante is in Devil May Cry's garage, tuning up his demon motorcycle. He has exchanged his usual faded button-down for a white "wifebeater" tank top. There are oil stains all over his bare, muscled arms, along with a couple of red streaks on his forearms where he's cut himself in order to feed blood to the bike components. He's put a little tie on his hair, pulling it into a scraggly ponytail at the back of his head, though a few locks at the front have come loose and fall into his eyes. He looks filthy and sweaty and boyish and magnificent, and Vergil feels instant, nearly overwhelming lust. He puts out a hand, meaning to grab Dante's arm and shove him to the floor... But no; though he has accepted Vergil's claim, Dante is not his object to use anymore. Vergil must find another way to have what he craves.

"Kids knock the power out again?" Dante asks, as Vergil lowers his hand. They can both see fine, of course; demonic vision actually improves in low-light conditions. "I'll flip the circuit breakers back in a minute."

"Yes."

Dante takes one look at Vergil's expression and laughs. "Aww, don't be like that. If we'd been together at that age, or if we'd had demon lovers, we'd have been just as bad."

Vergil did have a demon lover at that age, along with a string of human ones -- one of whom likely became Nero's mother. In any case, he feels certain that he was not this bad, though he does not bother to argue. Much more interesting to watch Dante, who has crouched to push something into place in part of the engine. This causes the waist of his pants to slide down. No crack showing, but it's clear he's not wearing any underwear today. Vergil imagines draping him over the motorcycle's seat and wiping all the sweat and oil from his sweet skin, followed by slow caresses and kissing him from throat to toes... 

Focus. 

"Perhaps," Vergil says. "It's the _incessant_ mounting that irritates."

"Yeah, well, we'd have fucked like bunnies all over the place, too. Must be nice to be young." Dante shrugs, standing again and reaching for a socket wrench. "Look, Nero's grades haven't suffered. His teachers actually say he's less restless since he took up with Red, and giving them less attitude. More daydreaming, probably about his hot boyfriend, but ehn. Daydreaming's good for you." Dante shrugs again, then narrows his eyes at something on the bike that Vergil can't see. "Ah shit, that seal again? I need some 'crowgum tape. Can you pop into etherspace and find mine? I gotta keep my finger right here." He nods toward something inside the motorcycle's engine, which Vergil can't see.

Vergil suppresses a sigh and answers by turning to step into Dante's etherspace.

Etherspace is nothing. There's nothing to see, nothing to hear, no time in which to hear it. Nothing _but_ space, which demons generally find useful for storage purposes given that they have no homes and tend not to have pockets. Dante's etherspace is frighteningly unsecured, Vergil finds as he casts about with his arcane senses, sending delicate waves of energy forth to summon what he needs. Vergil's space has lock spells, tripwires, lethal trapdoors formed of pure magic. Dante, however, seems to rely solely on the complete disorganization of his stored belongings -- which, Vergil discovers with annoyance, is actually quite effective. It would take a thief hours to find anything valuable, by which time Dante would sense the intrusion and come to defend his territory. Even with Dante's permission to enter, which should encourage the tape to make itself known to him, it takes Vergil nearly an hour to find the stuff.

He's heading back to the entrance with the roll, fuming, when he stumbles across the human.

She's tucked into a fold of space just behind a spare set of clothes and under a stack of beer kegs. Vergil notices her only because she's in his way, and because his senses ping on any potential prey out of old habit. Not very _good_ prey; this one turns out to be a small, slightly shrunken sixtysomething woman in slacks and a cardigan. In stasis, of course, not breathing or aging or aware of the passage of time. Just lying there, forgotten, under Dante's socks and clean underwear.

Uninteresting. Vergil turns to leave, and then pauses as he passes the woman. That scent.

He leaves etherspace. Dante's singing, though there's an edge of annoyance to his voice. "-- ottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, sixteen bottles of beer on the -- oh, hey, you're back. Finally."

"Here," Vergil says, putting the tape down in front of him. "Why is there an old human woman in your etherspace?"

"Dude, if you had taken any longer, I might have caught fire. If this stuff comes into contact with air, it -- what?"

Vergil glances into Cavaliere's engine. One of the bike's human-made metal components has fused poorly with its demon-made flesh and armor; the seal is loose and leaking vaporized ichor. Dante's finger, however, is pressed against the combustion bile duct. There's nothing wrong with that. With irritation, Vergil tears off a piece of the tape, which is made by witches from the arcane glue that binds the so-unnatural joints of scarecrow demons, and wraps it around the faulty seal. Cavaliere rumbles to life with an almost surprised-sounding mechanical purr. Dante blinks down at Vergil's repair. Vergil repeats: "Why is there an old human woman in your etherspace? Why does she smell like my son? And why does Nero smell _upset_?"

"When the hell did you learn demonic engine repair...?" Then Dante processes what Vergil has asked. "Oh, Ms. Eferin! Nero's second-grade teacher. Huh. I forgot all about her."

Vergil is rapidly losing patience, and not even the fetching way that Dante's loose hair frames his face is distraction enough. "I can smell you on her, too," Vergil snaps. "It's faint, and old, but killing rage -- _your_ killing rage -- is distinctive, Dante."

"Well, that's not surprising," Dante says, with a lopsided, happy smile. "After all, I really wanted to kill her."

#

Eight years before.

Dante hates driving cars because they're boring. Much more fun to tear up the road on a motorcycle, or fly on demon wings... but stooping on his nephew like prey for afterschool pickup tends not to go over well with Child Protective Services. Cars are respectable. Dante can do respectable, if he must. So a car it is -- a '71 Dodge Challenger with a V6 and chrome spoilers. If he's gotta be boring, damn it, he's gonna be boring _his_ way.

He's nodding to the car stereo -- Steppenwolf on 8-track, the best -- when he finally spots Nero approaching the car. Nero is a preternaturally solemn boy at most times. Being kidnapped and tortured by demons took a toll, go figure. In the two years since Vergil left, however, Dante's seen glimpses of the energetic, laughing child Nero is underneath the trauma, emerging slowly but with increasing frequency. Dante loves seeing the change. That this lovely, sweet-natured boy could have come from his cold brother! So Nero usually smiles to see him, and Dante treasures every one of those smiles.

Something is wrong today, however. Nero opens the passenger-side door and clambers in, sitting down and putting on his seatbelt, and the empty impassivity of his expression makes him look more like Vergil than Dante has ever seen before. He sits still and small in his seat, not speaking, facing forward.

_Bleeding_, says the demon in Dante's head. Dante narrows his eyes. No smell of open wounds on the boy. He leans over, however, and presses his face against the top of Nero's head. It's something Vergil used to do, and it's still the gesture of affection that Nero responds to best. Nero shivers a little, then turns toward Dante, with a little hitch in his voice. Yes, there it is: ketones of anxiety, androgens of recent pain, the salt smell of hastily-wiped tears. And emotional wound, but Dante knows better than anyone how deeply those can cut.

Also, smell of an elderly human woman. She's _touched_ him -- on Nero's upper right arm. Dante's had Nero's demonic arm spelled to look like a plastic prosthetic, just to avoid awkward questions. The story school officials have been given is that Nero lost the arm when a tornado hit his house, and his father is still missing. It's corny, but it was also a way to let the principal and teachers know that they were dealing with a traumatized child, even if they didn't know the real nature of the trauma. Most of the teachers have respected that, and Nero is demon enough that he handles the trauma better than the average human child would. No acting out, just that unchildlike -- but very Vergil-like -- solemnity. The teachers and other students usually just let him have his space... except this human has not. She's grabbed his arm hard enough to hurt him, and _her_ scent is spiked with notes of anger.

Dante strokes Nero's head gently, reminding himself that the boy depends on him, that Dante's job is to provide him with stability and a sense of safety. "Want to stay here in the car for a few minutes, kiddo? I'll leave the AC on, and you can put in whatever tape you want."

Nero reaches up and puts a hand on Dante's. He doesn't feel all the way to the fingertips that have become talons, but somehow he knows. "Don't kill her," he murmurs into Dante's chest.

Dante kisses his forehead and gets out of the car without replying.

He meanders through the school, hands in his pockets, and follows the scent to a classroom. It's empty except for the teacher, who's still working at her desk -- grading papers, looks like. Dante puts on a smile. "Hi, there," he says, knocking on the door frame. "You're Ms. Eferin, right? I'm Nero Redgrave's legal guardian, Dante."

The old woman doesn't look up. "I know who you are, Mr. Redgrave. I've seen photographs of you. I suppose Nero must have said something to you about our little discussion this afternoon? Since I haven't seen you before now."

Dante smiles slowly and starts strolling toward her, picking the farthest row of desks to traverse. "There hasn't been much need. Nero's a good student, and he's mostly happy here. 'Little discussion?'"

"About the truth." Eferin looks up and puts down her pen at last. Her expression is openly hostile. "The children were supposed to talk about people in their lives whom they admired. Nero chose to talk about you, Mr. Redgrave. 'He's my uncle but he's also kind of like my mom because my dad likes hugging him with his mouth.' It was very sweet, if, ah, unorthodox."

Dante laughs a little. "Kids say the darnedest things, don't they? 'Little discussion.'"

She sniffs. "He also said that you were a devil hunter. I simply reminded him that devil hunting is a mass hoax being perpetuated on the public. He... took exception."

"Ohhhh." Dante trails his fingers along one of the desks. "You're one of _those_. A devil skeptic."

Ms. Eferin sits back at her desk, steepling her fingers and smiling. She's obviously enjoying the chance to spar with him. "Dismiss my skepticism if you like, Mr. Redgrave, but the fact remains that the government wheels devils and you 'hunters' out whenever there's a mass disaster, in order to distract from their own incompetence and poor crisis response -- "

"Yeah, yeah." Dante shakes his head. "Believe whatever you want, lady. What concerns me is why Nero smells like tears and pain."

She blinks in puzzlement. "_Smells_ like... How odd. But I suppose the child did become upset at one point. He insisted that you were, indeed, 'the greatest devil hunter ever,' so we had a discussion about how important it was not to lie."

Dante smiles again. _Don't kill her_, Nero has begged. And while the demon has no compunction about killing her anyway, Dante reminds himself that there _are_ good reasons not to murder this woman. Cameras have probably seen him coming onto the school grounds. Nero is still tender-hearted enough to feel bad if Eferin disappears.

Also, there are far, far worse fates than death.

"I mean, technically I _do_ stand at the top of the rankings," Dante says. He chuckles. "Or I would, if I bothered to pay my guild dues. Anyway. Let's talk about how your hand came to be on my nephew's arm."

She looks irritated that he knows this. "I merely rested my hand there for a moment while we had our talk."

Dante stops and lowers his head. Any closer and she'll see his eyes. "Ah. So you bitched him out in front of the whole class, and when he tried to leave, you grabbed him and _kept_ yelling."

From the corner of his eye, Eferin flinches a little. Maybe she regrets that part. "That language isn't necessary, Mr. Redgrave. Nero did get... upset, I suppose. He's quite sensitive. To help him desensitize, I may have made a little joke about his crying. Some of the children laughed. It's possible that he did not find the joke as funny as the rest."

"Yeah," Dante says. He's grinning practically from ear to ear now. "Imagine that."

_Meat_, his demon pronounces, red in intent and claw.

_Oh, she's probably tough and sour. I'll do you one better_, Dante promises it. It settles, satisfied by the fury it senses in his heart. Dante's creativity, when he is sufficiently motivated, always pleases the beast.

"So, I never got how devil skeptics worked," Dante says. He traces a bit of graffiti on the desk nearest him. Someone has drawn a heart with the initials KE + NR. It's on the desk right behind the one that smells of Nero. How cute. "I mean, demonic incursions happen more frequently than, like, hurricanes. You believe in _hurricanes_, right?"

"Hurricanes are real. Demons are not." Eferin folds her hands. "I've seen the debunking websites -- many of them prominently featuring you and your fellow hunters, Mr. Redgrave. I know how you work -- holograms and mind-altering chemicals and so on." She sniffs in distaste. "Blaming 'demons' is a convenient way for the government to cover for its own crisis-response incompetence."

"Oh." Dante chuckles, and finds himself having to restrain his laughter before it hits outright belly-laugh level. Either that, or he's going to start baying like a hellhound. Can't have that. Gotta be respectable. "The _government_, huh? Wow."

"Yes. And I understand that Nero must have been upset, but really, Mr. Redgrave, if you aren't going to let him in on the secret, you have to expect that he's going to get this reaction sometimes. Not everyone is going to let him just spout demonic nonsense, unchallenged."

"_Demonic nonsense_." Dante puts a hand to his belly, laughing harder even as his will shapes a summons. "Oh my God."

His laughter seems to irritate her. "Yes. And if you would take this _seriously_, Mr. Redgrave, I -- " There is a sound from up near the ceiling of the classroom. Ms. Eferin glances up -- and blanches suddenly, staring at the pale gray, naked humanoid figure clinging there. "What... What is..."

"Nothing." Dante has to wipe a tear. "Just demonic nonsense, Ms. Eferin. Don't worry about it."

The creature begins crawling down the wall, toward Ms. Eferin. Ms. Eferin's eyes track it; fresh sweat dots her upper lip. "Oh. One of your tricks? It, uh, looks very real."

"Doesn't it? Amazing what you can do with swamp gas these days. And what'd you say, holograms?" Dante slaps the surface of the desk, laughing anew. "Holograms! Oh, man. My father would've loved that one. My brother, too. He's currently off being eternally tortured by the king of demons, after spending his last moments of free will rescuing Nero from hell. But I gotta remember to tell him about the holograms, after I kill Mundus and get him back. Holograms. Holy shit."

The demon has reached Ms. Eferin, dropping to the floor and standing upright like a human. As low demons go, this particular one isn't especially frightening -- slender, frail-looking, not even as tall as Ms. Eferin, standing. It has only stubby claws, no fangs. No face, either, but it could be worse. Eferin stares at the creature in mingled terror and fascination, even though it's not doing anything to overtly threaten her. She clears her throat uneasily, and says, "I'm happy that you find my clarity of thought amusing, Mr. Redgr -- " Then she blinks and glances at him for a moment, frowning. "Wait. _What_ was that about Nero's father?"

"Eternally tortured," Dante says, in between chuckles. "The king of the underworld -- who murdered our parents -- carved open his chest and shoved a parasitic entity into it. Turns him into a mindless armor-clad walking parody of our father. And you just told Nero that this whole fucking nightmare, and all his suffering, weren't real." Dante wipes another tear. Eferin is staring at him, and she flinches again when he looks up at her. Oh, his eyes must have changed. Well, fuck it. He keeps grinning at her, and maybe his teeth have changed too, because her eyes widen. "If that was all you'd done, I'd be cool with it. The whole point of devil hunting is to keep the human world safe enough that people like you can be as in-denial as you want. But you _hurt_ him." He stops laughing. Stops pretending, as he speaks in two voices. "That, I cannot forgive."

"What are you -- " The demon puts a hand on hers. She jumps violently and scrambles out of her chair, backing up and clutching her hand to her breast. The demon does not follow, straightening and smiling at her as well -- but now it looks exactly like her. Two small, bitter-faced old women face each other behind the desk, one horrified and the other amused. 

"Oh, my God," Eferin breathes. "It _touched_ me. It's... real?"

"Amazing what they can do with holograms these days, yeah?" Dante asks. And then he blurs forward, grabs Ms. Eferin by the face, and shoves her into etherspace.

Then while he stands there, red eyes and a sharp-toothed grin in the shadows, behind him the mimic demon pulls Ms. Eferin's chair back into place, sits down at the desk, and resumes grading papers.

#

"Dante," Vergil says, chiding. "I'm surprised at you."

"Yeah, yeah." Dante finally steps away from the bike, picks up a rag to mop his face and hands with, and leans back against the wall. "Well, 'Ms. Eferin' never gave Nero any more trouble after that. Incidentally, her husband, who I'd heard had filed for divorce, decided to stick it out; he and the mimic demon seemed to be very happy together. So, y'know, it's not _all_ bad."

Vergil steps closer, putting a hand on the wall beside Dante's head. His thoughts are mayhem, his skin all a-prickle. This perfect, monstrous man. "I was only surprised that you didn't kill her. Parenthood becomes you, Brother."

Dante laughs again, sheepishly. "Tell me you're not _turned on_ because I shoved Nero's shitty teacher into another dimension and replaced her with a demonic doppelganger."

"That would be a lie of incompleteness, Brother. I'm aroused by many things about you, today." Vergil cups Dante's cheek with shaking fingers. "But I find that I am... unpracticed at seduction, my Dante."

Dante raises his eyebrows. "Man, you can't even bring yourself to ask when you're this heated-up?" He slides a hand up Vergil's chest, and Vergil leans against it, growling. It pulls an answering rumble from Dante, who grins with longer-than-usual canines. "Well, I guess I can make it easy for you just this once. Wanna fuck?"

Vergil does not answer him in words.

#

Nero and Red come into the kitchen just after Vergil and Dante have finished their third bout. Vergil has Dante on the table, well away from the cabinets and appliances because Dante keeps manifesting wings when he comes, and they already had to move here because of all the damage Dante did to the garage. They're on their sides, spooned together, and Vergil's holding one of Dante's thighs up for better access. This affords the boys a marvelous view of his cock balls-deep in Dante's ass. Apart from this, however, there isn't much to see. They're done, after all, cooling down from the frenzy; Dante's wings cover most of his body and drape over half the room. Vergil's rather impressed that Dante's kitchen table could handle so much.

"Oh, fucking _seriously_?" Nero asks in annoyance. Vergil glances up; the boy stands in the doorway with Red behind him. They both smell of the shower and are fully dressed, for perhaps the first time that day. No matter. Vergil bends and puts his face into the curve of Dante's neck, loving the scents of sex and submission and savagery. He wants Dante again already. He always wants Dante, his magnificent beast of a brother.

Red edges away from Nero and skirts the perimeter of the room, fetching food from the fridge while Nero visibly counts to eleven. "Okay. Can we, like, declare certain parts of the house off-limits for fucking? I know me and Red have been -- " He blushes. "So, I mean, I get the hint. How about no more kitchen sex after... this?" He gestures awkwardly at Vergil and Dante, grimacing.

"I find your proposal acceptable," Vergil murmurs, reaching up to stroke stray hairs from Dante's cheek. Dante has shut his eyes, blissed out and gorgeous in his dissolution; Vergil really does love this hairstyle on him. Still, for his son, he deigns to divert a modicum of attention from Dante. "I would also suggest no library, or library-adjacent, sex. And that anyone who knocks out the power turns it back on, themselves, as quickly as possible."

Nero goes deeper red. Red hangs his head. "Please forgive me, honored lords. I'm still learning to control my demonic power..."

"I told you not to call them that," Nero snaps. But he does at least have the grace to add, "Okay. Deal. So, ready to head up to your room now?"

"No." Vergil sits up, rolling Dante onto his belly. He props himself over Dante, hauls the neck of the wifebeater down, and licks a line from just beneath his shoulderblades up to the nape of his artfully-bared neck. As he hopes, Dante hisses in pleasure and lifts his hips, instantly ready again. Beautiful. "You said 'after this.' We aren't done with 'this.'"

"Oh, for fuck's _sake_." With an exasperated grumble, Nero starts grabbing snacks as well, wisely choosing to retreat.

"By the way." Vergil grips Dante's hip with one hand so that he can get a nice angle for reentry. "Your second-grade teacher is in the garage, somewhat disoriented. Please give her a dispelling amulet -- so that the mimic demon will simply return to the underworld, and not eat her before it goes -- and send her home."

"...What."

Red, clutching a ham in one hand and a roasted chicken in the other, edges back to him and murmurs softly. Vergil can't hear all of it and isn't especially interested in any case, but he thinks Red's saying something about how it's never wise to antagonize the lords of a demon lair, better to just do what they say and get out of sight, especially when they are obviously engaged in the business of dominance-mating and marking territory. Such a thoughtful boy, Mundus' half-human spawn. Vergil highly approves of him for Nero.

Finally Red and Nero retreat, leaving Vergil to enjoy the perfection of his delicious, vicious brother, and the contentment of having his family whole and safe at last. No matter how it happened.

**Author's Note:**

> What's that, you say? It's schizoid af to keep swapping between the polyamorously raunchy D/V/N of "A Family Affair" and the more traditional (if not very) family dynamics of "A Family Repair?" Why, yes, it is! But my muse doesn't give a damn about my feelings. (sob)
> 
> Anyway, holiday present for y'all! Hopefully it's amusing, because I was going for lighthearted fun. It's always a little strange to write Vergil as he is in this continuity -- openly loving, trying to restrain his darker impulses and work around his own trauma, still kind of a bitch. It was fun, though, to write Dante here, because this one is more pragmatically vicious than canon!Dante, mostly because his nightmarish demon decided to go all-in on parenthood too. I imagine that Dante in "Affair" will become more like this once his kid is born. Of course, it's kind of horrifying that Dante stole eight years of Ms. Eferin's life, but hey, her husband had a great time, and also she deserved it.
> 
> Happy Christmahannukwanzyule and Solstice!


End file.
